I was already annoyed for having to wait so long. When he finally saw me, he edited my left orthotic to fit my new surgery foot. When we were finished, I asked him if there were any orthotic shoe stores around. He told me that he wouldn't recommend any because all of the shoes that they will have will be extremely unfashionable. He said that I am looking at a life time of ugly, bulky, conservative shoes. He said my best bet is to try to find regular shoes that I can have adjusted to fit my orthotics.
When I left, what he said didn't hit me until I had driven for a few minutes. When it did hit me, I felt so hopeless. Beyond my love for sports and physical activity, I absolutely L-O-V-E fashion. I have such a fly wardrobe and enjoy killing it from head to toe. I now know that I will never be able to just shop in the regular shoe section. This reality hurt....and bad.
I was still so shaken up that I dropped all of my acetaminophen pills that I had brought for the day on the floor of my car. I managed to pick up two to take before PT.
PT Session #14
7 minutes warmup on the bike.
Walk a lap.
To the tables for a scar tissue massage and flexibility work. When I was removing my silicone gel pads from my scars, my hands were shaking. I couldn't manage to peel them off and place them properly in their case. My therapist told me to take my time. He could already tell that something was wrong. Most days, I try my best to not let anyone see how bad I am suffering. I put on a smile and a positive attitude and hope for the best. Today, I just couldn't fake it anymore. My therapist asked me what was wrong. I was really hesitant to open up and tell him the thoughts that were rushing through my mind, but I also knew that I could no longer hide. I started by saying that I am just trying to hold everything together...that is, all the terribly shattered pieces of my former life. I explained to him the depth of loss I felt with the latest blow of never being able to wear normal shoes again. All in all, I must have known that this was going to be a rough day...
Later in PT, I had a really weird sensation in my right foot. I could not bear weight on it for about a minute. I thought it was strange, but since I wasn't doing anything that was directly engaging it at the moment, I didn't think it was anything major. I didn't even tell my therapist because the sensation didn't last long.
Oh how I wish I had known what that sensation meant...
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Later that night, I went home and did my PT exercises and abs and pushups as I normally do on PT days. I broke down and completely lost it while I was doing pushups. Moments later, I tried to do a single heel raise with my right "good" foot, and realized for the first time that I could no longer do it. That sensation that I had felt in my right foot during PT...yeah that marked the complete failure of my right posterior tibial tendon. Failing to do a single heel raise is the last warning signal before becoming a surgical case.
Remember how my doctor said I MAY have to have the same surgery again??? Well, now that is a GUARANTEE. I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS ALL AGAIN!!!!
Also recall how I was 3 weeks away from learning to run again??? Yeah...that is not happening for at least a year from now. Thanks doctor for getting my hopes up.
I continue to ask myself how much an extremely healthy and formerly active 25 year old can take...and exactly what did I do to deserve all of this torture???
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