My therapist made me a guide with pictures and instructions of exercises that I should be doing for further improvement and long term maintenance of my left foot function. We walked through them today. One of the new more advanced exercises caused me some knee pain, so I rode the bike for cardio today instead of the arc trainer.
In the earlier stages of my recovery, I was really scared of the idea of ending PT. I thought that it would end abruptly, before I was ready. I still remember how terrified I was after two weeks of PT, when my therapist cut me down from 3 sessions per week to 2, and when he made the April Fool's joke about it being my last session. At the time, I needed to go to PT, as much for my ankle recovery, as for my sanity. Sure, you could be instructed on how to do the PT exercises at home on your own, but the PT experience is much more than just exercises. This journey is a tough one and you need people on your team supporting you and encouraging you to make progress. With my left ankle newly reconstructed, I have treated it like it is my baby. It's name is Frankenfoot. I have so carefully, borderline obsessively, followed all of the instructions and guidelines so as to ensure the best outcome possible. What accompanies a surgery like this, is a fear that you will mess your new foot up, that you might push it too far, and end up needing more surgery. Frankenfoot felt completely foreign to me for months, as if it wasn't mine. I didn't know what to do with it. I needed my therapist to tell me that it was going to be ok to test and push the limits of its capabilities, and in many cases "hold" my hand. Oh so far from my old personality, but this surgery would break anyone.
Today, I was ready. Today, NOW, I can stand on my own two feet (well figuratively) and am confident that I can handle managing the rest of the 5-8 months of recovery time remaining for my left on my own. I have gone through so much to get to this point and it absolutely amazes me that I can say that. My left foot feels good. It's got a long ways to go before it is fully back in action, but all it needs is time, continued training, and for me to be patient.
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DISSERTATION
Another 8 hours today, and I'm still not finished. It is such detailed work that just takes a lot of time. I'll get it done when I get it done. I've missed so many of my "deadlines" for it, but I am doing the very best I can and that is all I can do. I haven't taken a day off working on it since I refocused on finishing it last Saturday.
I have to do my pre-op blood work tomorrow, so more distractions. It is the last business day that I will be home before the day before the surgery because of my conference next week. I also have to set up my wheelchair rental, fill my prescriptions for my post surgery meds, and completely prepare my life for being in jail all summer. I have had a medical appointment every single day this week. My life is so high maintenance right now. Geez. I am not even working a job this summer and I still end up working from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep on my dissertation, surgery I recovery, and surgery II prep.
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Reflection
I restored my inner peace today. I am no longer wrestling with what my life has become and how far it is from the life that I thought, expected, dreamed it would be. I have accepted that the second surgery is knocking on the door and that in 12 days, I'll be back to ground zero again. I am a phoenix. I rose from the fire one time, I will rise again.
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