Day 121: Surgery II Looming + PT Session #24

I am 19 days away from my potential second surgery and it is getting scarier and scarier the closer it gets.

I feel like I am standing on a plank.  If I fall off right, there are alligators in the water.  If I fall off to the left, there are sharks in the water.  The choice I have is to live this half life or quarter life rather, that isn't really living, with my whole routine limited by my feet or go through the trauma of another reconstructive surgery.  Neither are really options.  So here I stand on the wobbly plank prepared to fall.

Picture the worst thing that you have ever gone through in your life.

Now...picture experiencing it all over again, the entire scenario, 5 months later.

I haven't even mentally come to terms with the limitations the first surgery has put on my life, not to mention mentally prepare to start this process all over again.

Weeks and weeks of pain.  So much pain that I thought that I would actually die from it.

Weeks and weeks of non weight bearing, to partial weight bearing, to learning how to walk again.  

Weeks and weeks of physical therapy.

Weeks and weeks of missed opportunities and social activities with my friends.

Weeks and weeks of being stuck inside icing and elevating.

Weeks and weeks of no swimming, going to the beach, traveling, biking, enjoying life, period.

Weeks and weeks of seeing the life that I worked so hard to build continue to crumble right in front of me.
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Add letting go of the PT lifestyle, of which I have become so accustomed of, to my mental preparation list.  I have got a lot of thinking to do.  I hope my brain is ready.  Coping strategies...it is time for you all to kick in.

Next week is it.  I have two more sessions.  For so many weeks, the only thing that I have looked forward to is going to PT.   It kept me on a schedule with my recovery.  It reminded me that I couldn't quit and that I am not alone in this journey.  I have so liked going there because that is where I go to battle.  I fight for my old life back every session.  Not to mention that I get to do it with an awesome coach, confidant, and cheerleader wrapped up into one, my physical therapist, who is my personal superhero.

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Today in PT, we continued to do harder exercises to try to progress my left more despite my right.  At the end of the session, I did 20 mins on the arc trainer, and around minute 18, my left heel pain returned.  I haven't felt it in quite a while, but it also might be my fault since I did the Pike's Peak program (which is an extreme hill program).  I can't help but push myself sometimes.  This is going to sound crazy, but I thoroughly miss pushing myself to exhaustion, pushing myself to the point that sweat is dripping off of my body, to the point that anyone would be crying for their mommy.  I used to challenge myself to that level every single day before surgery, except for the occasional off day.  There is just an amazing feeling you get, like you can accomplish anything, when you tackle a hard workout.

That part of me is gone.  My competitive edge has been stolen.  Today, my challenge is to just make it through each day.  A successful day is when I can maintain my pain around 2-3 (which is only achievable by remaining completely sedentary and with the help of ice, elevation, and drugs) and not breaking down and crying over my situation.

My ankles were sore the rest of the day.

Ice, Ice, baby.