Day 123: Picking up the pieces

Yesterday was one of the bad days. Thinking about my upcoming surgery feels like a ton of bricks is sitting on my chest. My best strategy for snapping out of the darkness is doing routine tasks. I went to the grocery store on Monday, but have been putting off cooking all week. I focused my energy on preparing two different complete dishes that will last me a few days each. I used to cook every few days before my feet failed me. Now, I am lucky if I can convince myself to cook once every two weeks. Yesterday was no different than my previous cooking attempts. After 20 minutes, my feet were screaming in pain. I had to rely on my walker and its lifesaving seat to finish.

It is so difficult for me to cook, but few things make me happier than eating the nutritious meals I prepare. I don't like putting junk in my body. It has been rough relying on fast food, take out, and frozen dinners to survive. Oh how I can't wait until I return to the days of eating 1 meal or less out over the span of a whole week.

After cooking and eating, I convinced myself to work a few hours on my dissertation.

Then, I went to a party. I have to force myself to get out of the house because in a few weeks, I won't have that option. It was fun spending time with my friends, but it hit me once again how much going through this has changed me. I used to be the life of the party. Now, I am a wallflower that can be found sitting in a corner trying to avoid the chaos. Being around a lot of people scares me. My feet are so unstable, that I am afraid someone might bump into me causing me to completely lose my balance, or step on them, like what happened last week.

When I woke up today, it was just as challenging to find some motivation as it is most days, but I knew I needed to focus on things I can do. I have little desire to spend my remaining days of "freedom" before the second surgery typing away on my computer working on my dissertation, but let's face it, my brain is my strongest asset, especially nowadays. I am making major progress and am really close to finishing. Of course, I wouldn't be in as big of a rush or under this tremendous pressure if the second surgery wasn't approaching so fast.