Day 23 (163): Never Quit

Last night, I finally got a decent night of rest.  I calmed my mind and body and just relaxed.  No question that I was still extremely uncomfortable but I forced myself to ignore it.  I still woke up by 7 am, but I slept much better.

As the details of my new job get more finite, I had the idea to figure out where I would be with my recovery upon moving, starting my contract, and the semester starting.  What did I do?  I re-read my blog from the 6-week mark forward and correlated that with my current surgery timeline and my calendar.  I didn't realize how useful keeping this blog would be.  I remember my milestones, but I don't remember the specific days they happened on, but my blog does!  It was also great to re-read all the questions that I asked my doctor at my post-op appointments.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the biggest difference is I haven't been able to ride my bike this time, because of the difficulty I have mounting it with my new left foot.  Since yesterday was a good day, where I realized I can make it farther on my walker than I thought, I decided to make the trek to my building's gym.  It is a small hike from where my apartment is located.

Yes...you heard that right...me...in the NWB stage...took a walker to the gym.  I know I am crazy but I need to work on maintaining/slowing the decline of my fitness if I want to recover as quickly when I get to the PWB stage as I did the last time.  I did two circuits of all the seated machines, primarily doing arm work.  I was also able to do single-legged extensions, curls, presses, and calf raises with my left leg.  I did a shoulder circuit and shoulder presses with dumbbells, while standing with the help of my walker.  In addition, I did some body weight work with my left leg since there are rails for me to hold on to at the gym.  I did single leg squats, leg abduction/adduction, and knee raises.  When I got back to my apartment I did abs and my PT exercises for my left foot.  This workout completely exhausted me, so I'll only be able to go every few days.

After showering, eating lunch, and resting while icing and elevating,  I took out the trash (scooting it on my walker), cleared and re-loaded my dishwasher, and marinated and grilled some chicken for my dinner.

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Reflection

Day by day I am realizing that I just won't quit.  I keep looking all of the challenges I have doing activities of daily living right in the face and figuring out ways to conquer them.  I believe in myself with every cell of my being.  I will get through this.

Day 22 (162): Finding Independence

Today was one of those days where everything just goes right, where you get to see all of your hard work culminate to success.

This morning, I got contacted by my new university to start the hiring paperwork.  While I was working on filling it out, my advisor emailed me back the final draft of my dissertation for my approval before sending it to my committee.  We have been through 6 rounds of edits over the last 5 weeks, and I was starting to think that we weren't going to get it ready in time for defense this summer.  Which of course would mean I would have to extend my official graduation until December.  I have focused on keeping positive energy in my life and have been using the visualization techniques that I learned from my running days to will all of this to happen.  During the full marathon I ran, I kept focusing on seeing the finish line, pushing hard all the way to cross it, and the medal going over my head.  I refused to let anything happen other than that.  Now, I keep imagining over and over again my dissertation defense, my committee signing the official defense passed forms, and letting the celebrations begin.  With two major surgeries in the 6 months immediately prior to finishing my degree, I have been on a wing and a prayer trying to finish out my final requirements through all the pain, loss of my independence, and learning how to walk again.

The hiring paperwork I was working on needed my signature, so I had to figure out how to get it printed, scanned, and emailed back.  A few blocks from my building is an office services store.  My other option was to take public transportation to my university and use their facilities.  I decided to take a gamble and go on an adventure to the office supply store.

I set out with my walker and a determined mindset.  Nothing was going to stop me from returning the paperwork immediately.  I have worked tirelessly in my academic career to reach the highest point...a terminal degree in my field...a PhD.  Not only that, but all the sacrificed time and lost life opportunities compared to same aged peers, because I have had to commit wholly to 12-16 hr days for the last several years of my life, during the academic years, and straight through the summers, to make this dream come true.  I worked that hard to be in the fortunate position I am in, to have landed a full time job in my field, back in my home state, only 2 hours away from my family.  It feels good to know that my sacrifices were worth something.  Returning to school full time, just two weeks after my first surgery, and working on dissertation edits, just 4 days after my second surgery, was all worth something.

Dream job...landed.

My journey to the office store was difficult, taking me 20+ minutes, and several breaks, to go the distance of a leisurely paced 5 minute walk, but I made it.  I felt my foot throbbing in the boot.  It definitely swelled from the heat and the exhaustion of the trip.  While I was at the office store turning in my hiring paperwork, my advisor cc'd me on the email of my final draft being sent to my committee, proof that my dissertation is fully out of my hands now.  I am waiting on approval from them that it is ready to defend, and then we just have to set the date and time!

When I got finished, I decided to celebrate by eating out at a restaurant that was in the same area as the store.  I sat there relaxed, not rushing, for once in my life.  I took in the sun, and the people, and had an overwhelming feeling of relief.  All of this pressure to stay on this daunting graduation timeline through my surgeries, to find a job, and to figure out what to do with my life was lifted.

Later, one of my steri-strips fell off after my shower.  My heel is now starting to scab over.

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Reflection

On the same day, I sealed the deal with my new job, and with my current university to finish my degree this summer.  Things are finally going my way and I am starting to live the life that I want to live.  I have always lived by the quote, "A wise man does what he has to now to ensure success later in life."  I've made it to the later in life part...finally.  Even though my life has turned out very different than I pictured in the physical department, I am finding a way to keep my hopes and dreams alive, finding a way to stay positive through all of this, and finding my independence again.  Ultimately, I have chosen to find the person I used to be and figure out how to live her life, just with some special adjustments.

Day 21 (161): 3/23 week update

*Right: 3 week surgery anniversary*

*Left: 23 week surgery anniversary*


Today marks week 3, meaning I have survived a full week in my boot, and that I am halfway done with the NWB stage!

On Friday, my dad left, so I am on my own now, trying to survive until I can walk and drive again.

I have been completely drug free since Sunday.  It was hard to cut out the nightly Percocet, since it also knocks me out so that I don't notice how uncomfortable it is to sleep with my legs elevated, and with my right foot in a boot.  I haven't had good sleep the last few nights, but I am determined to stay drug free.

I feel good, my foot doesn't bother me much as long as I keep it elevated.  It is still rough dealing with my incisions.  I change the gauze dressing on them 1-2 times per day.  No bleeding, they just leak a clear fluid with a slight brown tint, especially when my foot swells from not being elevated.  It doesn't appear that they are going to scab as bad as my left foot incisions did when trapped under a cast, since I can wash them daily.  The steri-strips have survived a whole week.  I thought they might fall off by now, but they are still hanging on.

The wrench in the plan has been a skin infection that I got from shaving my left leg before my post-op appointment last Monday.  Since I haven't shaved in a while and used a razor that hasn't been used for a few weeks, my leg got infected with bacteria.  Just little bumps that started on my left leg, but since my immune system is weakened, they spread all over my body.  I went to the doctor to get it checked out, but it is nothing serious.  The treatment is just to keep clean with soap and water, and change clothes, sheets, and towels often.  I got the smart idea to wash with my surgical soap since it is anti-bacterial and anti-fungal.  I have been washing with that 2 times per day for the last several days and luckily it is all clearing up.  The problem is even though the bumps are pretty small and non-offensive looking, they itch!

I have been out of my apartment a few times since my dad left.  Each time, I have chosen my walker as my mode of transportation.  I put my right knee on it and use it as a scooter.  I have been able to go a few blocks away from my building and have ridden public transportation with it.  I try to do something adventurous, things I probably shouldn't be pushing myself to do, every couple of days to avoid feeling trapped by my injury.

I haven't been able to ride my road bike on its trainer much because of the difficulty I have mounting it with my left foot as my support foot.  It requires me to hop on an approximately 2 ft high stool and then position myself on the seat.  That jump is difficult with my new left foot.  It was no problem for my pre-surgery right foot.  I'll have to figure out something else to do for cardio.  Probably just means more walker adventures are in my future.  I also can't do all the single legged exercises that I used to do with my right, because I am not able to solidly or dependably balance on my left foot.  I am pretty much stuck doing floor abs, pushups, functional training, and PT exercises.  It really sucks, but at least I only have 3 more weeks of continued deterioration of the fitness I worked so hard to obtain.  When this is all over, I have some serious work to do.   I am certain I have lost every bit of the fitness gains that I have made in the last two years, everything since I decided to become an endurance athlete.  Even everything that I gained from PT over the last 3.5 months.  Both of my legs are devoid of muscle, and I have not 1 but 2 baby calves.  So sad.

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Reflection

Another week closer to the PWB stage, to my dissertation defense, to my move, to my new job, and to my new life.  Still staying positive, focusing intently on not letting this surgery get to me like the last one did.

Day 14 (154): Two weeks + first shower

*Right: 2 week surgery anniversary*

*Left: 22 week surgery anniversary*


Last night was my first time sleeping in the boot.  I thought that it was going to be really uncomfortable since it generally bothers me during the day, but surprisingly I slept much better than I ever did in the surgical splint or when I was in a hard cast with the last surgery.

With the last surgery, I started weening off my drugs after two weeks.  I have given myself the same challenge this time.  I have already cut down from 8 Percocet per day (2 every 6 hours), to 4 per day (1 every 6 hours), to 3 per day (1 every 8 hours).  The next challenge is taking only 2 per day.  I took 1 Percocet before bed, and today I took one at noon, and will take one more at 8 pm.  I also quit taking my blood thinner yesterday.  This means that I have to make sure to move around a lot more to make sure I don't get a blood clot.  My foot is much more achy and bothersome with less drugs, but I would much rather tough it out to be able to stop putting chemicals in my body.

First Shower

Around 1 pm, I decided to try taking a shower.  I took my boot and sock off, and unwrapped my foot.  I was happy to see that there were only small bleeding spots on my gauze pads, nothing major.  Next, I had to figure out how to get into the shower.  My shower is a stand alone glass shower, so at least I don't have to climb in a tub, but it still has an almost 1 foot ledge to step over.  I had figured out how to get over all these obstacles with my left foot surgery, but it is totally different with the support foot switching sides.  It is amazing how talented I became at getting around on my right foot for so long, now I am teaching my left to do things.  I still used a chair that I have in the bathroom to help me transfer to the shower chair, I just had to adjust my technique.

After about 10 mins, I finally figured out how to get in.  The advantage of my right foot being the surgery foot now is that it is closest to the door when I am inside the shower.  It is really easy for me to hold it out of the main stream of water.  My left leg was very sensitive when I returned to the shower after 6 weeks.  I learned that my right is much better off.  The two weeks away from the shower wasn't long enough for it to lose its tolerance for the heat or pressure of the water hitting it.  My left leg skin was so raw that it took weeks for it to feel comfortable.  Two weeks was long enough for an entire layer of skin to peel off my right leg and foot today.

When I got out, I let my foot air out some, and rewrapped it, iced it, and put it back in the boot.

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Reflection

2 weeks down.  In a boot.  First shower done.  Almost pain free.  Almost drug free.

Really happy with my status at this point.  Gotta keep swimming...

Day 13 (153): Surgery II Post-op Appointment #1

After staying up really late, or really early, working on my dissertation edits, I couldn't go to sleep.  I was as nervous as I generally am going in to appointments with my surgeon.  I finally went to sleep around 4 am, but had to get up at 6:30 am to have time to get ready for and make it to my 8 am appointment.

I got called back rather quickly this time.  I think it is because I was one of the first patients today, since my appointment time was so early.

An athletic trainer cut off my surgical splint/soft cast and removed my stitches.  Then she put steri-strips over the incisions.

My calf didn't atrophy as much this time.  Probably because it was so strong from being the primary weight bearing leg for quite some time now. The swelling in my foot is also minimal.

X-rays.

It looks like they added an extra pin where they put in the bone wedge.  I'll have to ask about that at my next appointment.

My doctor wasn't there today, so his PA handled my appointment.  He said that he talked at length with my surgeon about whether or not I could go to a boot instead of a cast this time.  He went through the pros and cons and instructions related to both choices.  He was very firm with saying that if I go to the boot, I still have to treat it like a cast.  I have to wear it at all times, except for showering or icing my foot.  I am also completely non-weight bearing for another 4 weeks. He wanted me to know that I had to treat the care of my foot seriously as if it were casted.  No matter what he said, I already had my mind made up.  I chose the boot, of course.  There is nothing worse than being stuck in something you can't get off.  With the boot, I'll be able to return to showering, clean and lotion my leg, apply ice directly to the wounds, wear more of my wardrobe, and most importantly, get to itch my leg!

Questions

1) Schedule of NWB/PWB/FWB?  Same as last time.  6 weeks NWB (4 weeks left to go), 2 weeks PWB in boot, 2 weeks FWB in boot, then on to FWB in tennis shoes while wearing an ankle brace.

2) When can I start PT? At week 6.

3) Can I ride a stationary bike with the boot before the 6 week mark?  No.  Well...that just means that I'll have to use my crutch to move my right pedal, the same as I did for my left with the last surgery.  Either way...I'll be returning to riding my road bike on its indoor trainer this week.

4) When will I be able to drive again?  Somewhere around week 7 or 8.  I'll still be in the boot, but I will be allowed to take it off for driving and will have to put it back on when I get out.

I found out that the boot that I had for my first surgery works for both feet.  If I had known that, I would have brought it with me to the appointment.  Since I didn't have it with me, they had to put another temporary splint on to protect my foot on the ride home.

There was some bleeding with the removal of the stitches and my not fully healed wounds, so I stopped by the pharmacy to get gauze pads and some medical tape to cover my incisions before stuffing my foot in a sock and then the boot.  This is one thing I didn't have to deal with last time. By the time I got the cast off at 6 weeks, my incisions were fully healed.

When I got home, I removed the soft cast and wrapped my foot back up to be placed in its new home...the boot.  It took me quite a while to get my foot fully down in the boot with my ankle at 90 degrees.  Once I did, it was pretty comfortable for the rest of the day.

Day 12 (152): More Dissertation Edits

My advisor returned my dissertation to me on Thursday afternoon.  With all the job search excitement on Thursday and Friday, and not feeling well on Saturday, I didn't get to work on my edits until today.

I worked tirelessly through the day and part of the night to make sure my advisor would have this latest round of edits waiting for him on Monday morning.

I feel good about the progress I am making and know that it is close to being ready to go to my committee.

Day 11 (151): Change of Command

This morning, my mom left me to return home.  She took off 3 weeks with my first surgery and 2 weeks with this surgery to take care of me.  Last night, my dad arrived.  He will be with me for this next week.

I really bonded with my mom recovering from the first surgery, since it was so traumatic.  It was gut-wrenching for her to watch me in so much pain and for me to watch her try to hide how helpless she felt not being able to take her child's pain away.  I can't imagine having to watch your child go through this one time, let alone twice!

This time, we quite enjoyed our time together.  It was fairly relaxing for both of us, with me being able to do much more for myself, immediately after surgery and in the absence of excruciating pain.

I was sad to see her go, but grateful to have my dad here to help me out for another week.

I didn't feel well for most of the rest of the day.  I was really lethargic and restless with this forced sedentarianism.

Day 10 (150!!!): New Start

My new left foot is 150 days old!!!

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With the excitement of the interviews yesterday and a choice to make of how to proceed, I did a lot of reflecting in the night.

I concluded that the university that already offered me a job was the right fit, so much so, that I didn't find it worth it to go through with the campus interview at the other university.  I think if I wasn't injured, I might have done it, but it wouldn't have changed my decision.  Traveling 3 weeks after surgery to interview with my second choice when I already had a job offer from my first choice, was not a risk that I was willing to take.  Traveling to the conference 5 months after my first surgery was a challenge.  I can't imagine airline travel with both of my feet in compromised positions.  Not to mention, the interesting conversation that I would have to have with the search committee before traveling, explaining my situation, and why I would be showing up with crutches and a wheelchair.

By noon, I handled the acceptance of my job offer and placed a courtesy call to the other university to respectfully decline continuing in their hiring process.

In the afternoon, my mom and I went to the mall to celebrate my acceptance of a job offer.  She pushed me around in my wheelchair.  When we returned, the excitement of the last two days finally caught up with me and I was completely exhausted.  I took a 4 hour nap, was up for less than 2 hours, and then I went to bed for the night.

Lesson learned...I am far from full strength.

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Reflection

Today, I found out exactly what my next adventure is going to be.   I know what I am going to be doing with the next significant chunk of my life, which is a huge relief, but scary at the same time.  Come this fall, I will start my first "real" job.  I have a renewed spirit, with new hopes and dreams.  I am going to be careful not to forecast my life forward beyond the present day, since I don't want to get caught in the depressive trap of my life turning out so different than how I pictured...again, but it doesn't stop me from imagining how wonderful it could be.  I am one rung higher than rock bottom, so it can only go up from here, right?

Day 9 (149): Unleashing Greatness

Today, I had two job interviews.   Both were second round interviews conducted on the phone.  I met with both universities in person already for the first round at the conference I went to a couple of weeks ago.  At the time I was right in between surgeries, almost 5 months post my left reconstruction, and days away from my right reconstruction.  I was able to conceal my injuries from them at that point, because I could walk with a near normal gait, and in "regular" shoes.

I was really happy to hear that both universities wanted this round over the phone, since I am still in my surgical splint.  I almost had to take one of the calls from my hospital bed last week, but luckily, there was a scheduling conflict.  I ended up taking both calls from my couch with my legs elevated and icing.

I adjusted my drugs so that I was in the middle of a dosing period, to make sure that I was the least drowsy as possible.  I also cleared my mind and was determined to do the very best that I could do despite my circumstances.  I kept chanting in my mind my new mantra, "Don't let what you can't do keep you from what you can."

10:45 am- First Interview.  It lasted 30 mins and I went away knowing that I rocked it.

3:00 pm- Second Interview.  It lasted just under an hour and I again felt like I brought my best game.

By the end of the day, both universities called me back and I had an offer to be flown in for a campus interview from one, and a job offer from the other.

I was beaming with pride for how well I handled myself and stayed positive through these interviews.  This process has been difficult for me, since I feel like such a different person from the one reflected on my CV.  I focused on handling the interviews as my former self would have.  And that is with no fear, eternal optimism, and beaming enthusiasm.  That is the all-star version of myself, right now I am sitting the bench, waiting to get my turn to join the real action again and have my life back.

One particular interview question stopped me in my tracks: Describe a typical day from start to finish as a faculty member.  They wanted to know how I would arrange my home and work life responsibilities.  I knew that the real answer for more than the last year of my life has been to survive school each day painfully limping around and using assistive devices (casts, boots, braces, tennis shoes with custom orthotics, crutches, wheelchair, walker) and spend every other hour icing, elevating, and doing PT exercises to strengthen my feet.  I instead described a day that I would like to have once again.

Wake up.  Train.  Teach.  Spend time prepping coursework, grading, meeting with students.  Train.  Cook and eat dinner.  Reflect on the day.

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Reflection

Today I chose to unleash the greatness that is still inside of me.

Day 8 (148): Solo Journey

An email that I received this morning reminded me that there are many more people in this world that will tear us down than that will ever help us up.  I pride myself in being one of the supportive people in this world.  Nothing brings me more joy than sharing my talents and knowledge with others that may result in their lives being enriched or being a little bit better. After all, my research is in the treatment and prevention of obesity and its related diseases, so I am in the business of improving people's quality of life.

I am really competitive by nature, but that has never stopped me from helping anyone.  I am not one of those people that believes that helping other people could get in the way of your own success.  I am a highly successful individual and I haven't had to "step" on anyone to get here, nor have I cut any corners, lied, or cheated.  My integrity is priceless.   In fact, I generally have the problem of giving too much of my time to other people, and not reserving enough for myself and my own projects.  One of the things that going through these surgeries has taught me is that I have to take care of myself and my needs first.  I have gone 180 degrees from my previous highly ambitious, overcommitted, overworked, and overstressed lifestyle.      I am cool as a cucumber now, swimming with the current of life, instead of trying to steer my own path through it.  I'll get my captain's license back one day, but right now I am just focusing on surviving and not getting pulled under the current.

My mom always says that with time, people always reveal who they really are, you just have to open your eyes and pay attention.  It takes a special brand of cruelty to refuse to accommodate someone in my situation.  As high as the expectations that I have for myself are, I generally don't expect anything of anyone else.  However, the situation I am in requires a partnership.  I am beyond all in, but I didn't think that the bare minimum would be too much to ask.

I know that we come into this world alone and we die alone, so we have to be prepared to get through this life on our own, but that message has never resounded as loud and clear as it did today.

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In other news,  I have gotten some much needed rest today with the stress of this round of dissertation edits off of me.  I have kept my drugs on a schedule and have been able to take 2 Percocet each dosing period, since I haven't had to worry about the consequences from the drowsiness.

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Reflection

This world we live in is harsh.   Life is tough enough on its own without people standing in your way.  Good thing I don't walk anymore these days, I wheel.  I'll find a way around and out of this situation.

Day 7 (147): One Week!!!

*Right: 1 week surgery anniversary*

*Left: 21 week surgery anniversary*

Made it one week!

I messed up and missed my overnight dose...again!  This time, I was supposed to take it at 1 am, but that didn't happen.  I was trying to stay up until then, but I fell asleep.  I set my alarm to go off at 1 am, but I must have turned it off and rolled back over without taking a dose.  I know that I didn't take it because I have my pills in a weekly pill organizer with 4 dose boxes per day, and the pills were still there.  Of course the night sweating and pain upon waking at 6 am also confirmed it for me.

I started another day off on the wrong foot.  I was so groggy and despite trying to get on my work a few times, I felt nauseous with just reading, like when you try to read in the car.  Each time, I had to lay still to reset my equilibrium.  Around 1:30 pm, I asked my mom if we could eat our lunch outside.

She packed up sandwiches for us and we had a little picnic at the pool deck of my building.  I really needed to feel the sun on my skin to get some energy back.  We sat outside for a little over an hour.  I elevated my foot on the patio furniture.

When we got back, I took a wash up from my bath chair to get the sunscreen and germs from being outside off of me.  Then, I found a way to focus on finishing my dissertation edits.  It took me until just before midnight, but I finished!!!  I had to skip my night dose of medicine so that I could have enough clarity to finish.  My foot was really throbbing by then, but I was too determined to let it stop me. I took my drugs and put ice on it immediately before going to sleep.

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Reflection

Even though it wasn't without struggle, this week went by pretty quick.  I am really hoping that time continues to speed by, because I am ready to be back on my feet.  5 more weeks of non weight bearing :(

Day 6 (146): Missed dose

Overnight, I missed my 3:30 am drug dose.  I woke up at 7 am in excruciating pain, dripping in sweat.  I took my drugs at 7 and gave myself a wash up from my bath chair.  I changed into new pajamas and went back to sleep.  Had I not missed that dose, I would have been able to continue working on my dissertation edits earlier.  Instead, I didn't feel ok again until the afternoon.  I forced myself to make some good progress and looked forward to going out to dinner with my mom.

As I changed my clothes, my foot was absolutely throbbing.  I had only taken 1 pill at the 1 pm dosing period, so that I could work on my dissertation.  I was paying for it now.  I kept trying to continue to get ready through the pain, until I broke down and lost it.  I am actually pretty proud of myself for making it this long without crying and getting frustrated over the limitations that this second surgery has put on my life.  I climbed back in my bed to elevate my foot, and since it was time for another dose, I took 2 Percocet.  I laid there thinking how I just wanted to do the simple act of going to sit at a restaurant to enjoy a dinner with my mother, but my ankle had me trapped, paralyzed with pain.

About 2 hrs later, around 8 pm, I finally had my pain under control and we decided to still go out for dinner.  On the way, we dropped off my prescription for more Percocet.  This prescription was for 100 pills! I am almost done with my initial prescription of 40.  I shouldn't need all of those, rather I have my fingers crossed that I can make it through without taking Percocet for much longer.  Anyways, the pharmacy actually gave me the manufacturer's bottle of 100, they didn't even bother to put it in a regular prescription bottle.  Boy is it apparent how bad my situation is that I need that many pain pills...

Dinner was good.  I propped my leg up on the booth while we were eating.  

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Reflection

Today it really hit me just how much longer the road to recovery has gotten for me with this second surgery.  I am months away from walking again.  It is so frustrating to have made so much progress after the first surgery, and now having to start at square one again.  I have weeks and weeks ahead of me of non weight bearing->partial weight bearing-> full weight bearing (boot->ankle brace)-> walking without any assistance.

Day 5 (145): Drug Effects

Taking 2 Percocet every 6 hours is what keeps my pain under control.  It is also what causes me to be drowsy and lethargic.  On top of that, the blood thinning medication really multiplies that effect.  This is not conducive to me working on my dissertation edits.  Today, I decided to take only 1 during the 2 dosing periods during the day.  I was able to get started working on my edits, but my pain level was high, and really distracting me from my work.

I have 2 options: (1) be too drowsy to work, but have little pain or (2) be of a clearer mind, but be in too much pain to work.  

I have a really tight timeline to get my dissertation ready for defense this summer.  I really can't afford to just focus on my recovery and work on my dissertation later, which sucks.  My goal is to just make progress every day.

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Reflection

My life continues to be a struggle...but I won't give up.

Day 4 (144): Movie Adventure

I spent most of the morning sleeping.  The combination of drugs I am on really makes me drowsy. Around 3 pm, I ate lunch, and my mom and I had the crazy idea to go to the movies.

I haven't been to the movies since before my first surgery, because sitting in a chair for 2+ hrs without elevating is a stretch for a post-surgery foot.  When I got my wheelchair for this surgery, I made sure to get longer leg elevator pieces for it.  My legs are really long, so I wasn't able to use the stock leg elevators that my first wheelchair came with.

My mom and I picked a movie and we were off.  At the theater, I sat in my wheelchair with my leg elevated, so it was beyond tolerable.  I was so happy to get out on Day 4.  I didn't leave my apartment until Day 7 with the first surgery, and that was just a really short trip to the grocery store.  When we left the movie, we went to the grocery store, which meant the sad return to driving the motorized cart around the store.  This time around, I figured out how to prop my leg up on the basket with my crutch.

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Reflection

Today, I did something that I haven't been able to do in over 6 months.  Yes, it was just the sedentary activity of going to the movies, but my life isn't only limited by not being able to walk, but also by needing to keep my feet elevated for most hours of the day.   My life is different now, completely different, but I am slowly figuring out ways to still live despite my circumstances.

Day 3 (143): Know your worth

As I stated on my Surgery II post, I am 3 days post Surgery II and I feel good.  I feel well enough to be back to posting on my blog.  It took me 12 days to get to this point after my first surgery.  I was in so much pain that I had such difficulty focusing on anything, especially reading and writing.  I barely survived sending text messages to my friends.  This time, I was doing that from the hospital right after my surgery.  I have even answered emails and handled some things for school.

My advisor emailed my dissertation draft back this afternoon, so this weekend I am going to make the edits and have it back to him by Monday morning.  WIth the PhD process there are not many things that you can control, one thing that I can control is my work pace.  With my right foot not bothering me too much and no longer having the impending doom of going through another surgery, my mind is clear to finish the job that I started.  I am so ready to tackle my defense, pack my bags, and move on with my life.

One thing I did today that I am really proud of myself for, is turn down the opportunity for a second interview at one of the Universities that I interviewed with.  I know that the position that they were offering was a good fit for me; however, the amount of work and commitment they wanted from me was far more than the commitment that they were willing to make on their part in terms of my career development.  I am no stranger to working hard, but because I have worked so hard, I have honed a particular set of skills that are highly desirable.  I won't be working with a University that doesn't value my worth.  It took me a long time to learn this, but one of the most important things you can know is your own worth.

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Reflection

As I said in my last post, I have the freedom to choose the job I want to start my career with.  Through all of this, I have really learned how short and valuable life is, and how everything you have ever known can change in an instant.  I won't knowingly put myself in a situation where I will be unhappy.  Sometimes you have to walk away.  Today, I found the strength to do just that.  The current job market is tough, but I know that I have done what I need to do to land a job that will be a perfect fit for me and my career.

Day 2 (142): Freedom

6:30 am- Pain Pump and IV Removed

8:00 am- First Percocet Dose (2 pills)

I gave myself a wash up and changed my gown.

PT came by and made me crutch a loop.

9:00 am- Percocet worked!

My surgeon and his PA came by to visit me between surgeries.  I was happy to tell my surgeon that the nerve block worked and that my recovery was going much smoother.  He also pointed out that some of my pain was also less because I didn't get my posterior tibial tendon cut out and the FDL transferred over to its spot.  I told him that the Percocet was actually working this time, since it didn't work at all to reduce any of my pain after the last surgery, so he said that I could go home!  My nurse started the discharge paperwork.

11:30 am- Released from the hospital

My mom busted me out of jail and I was off to finish my recovery at home.  I was so happy to be leaving this time since my hospital experience was so bad.  I also had confidence that recovering at home was going to go better than it did last time since the Percocet was working for me.  The first time, I was really fearful of managing that level of pain on my own at home.  When I got home, I gave myself another wash up from my tub, using my bath chair.  I wanted to get all of the hospital germs off of me.  I was also reunited with my rolling walker, which is much easier to use than the crutches.  I am tall enough that I can rest my knee on the seat and roll around without having to have my bad leg dangling.  This also helps take some of the pressure off of my left foot, which I am trying to treat as gingerly as possible, because I don't want to mess with any of the progress it has made. I put my own pajamas on and climbed into my bed.  Of course my bed was all set up, since I haven't been able to sleep without my legs elevated one night since my first surgery.  I have figured out the exact combination of pillows to make elevation comfortable since I have already spent 5 months like this.  I'll be lucky if I can finally sleep without my legs elevated by Christmas.

It was amazing how good I felt the rest of the day.  Of course my foot hurts.  This time the pain feels like my foot is burning and it gets really stiff when the pain is bad.  It only gets like this when it is close to me needing to take another dose of Percocet.  I have been keeping the ice on it, but it is really hard to feel any relief through the thick soft cast.  I have been placing one bag behind my knee to cool the blood as it travels down to my foot.  In the hospital yesterday, my foot was really sensitive to bringing it from being elevated to down.  While at home, it hasn't been all that bothered by that transition.  I spent weeks of agonizing pain when changing its position after the first surgery.  I literally used to cry when I had to put it down long enough for a 5 minute trip to the bathroom.  It sill amazes me how essential the nerve block was in changing my overall pain experience.

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Reflection

I am free.  I am free from the hospital.  I am free from surgeries...for now.  I am free to recover on my terms (with the guidance of my doctor and physical therapist).  I am free to choose my first real job and move to my first post-college home.  I am free to prepare for my dissertation defense and finish the final step in earning my doctorate.  I am free to make every choice in how I am going to use my newly reconstructed feet from here on out. (Hint: Marathon running won't be on the list)

My previous life is gone completely and I am free to start a new one (with 9 shiny battle scars on my feet), for that I am grateful.

Day 1 (141): TERRIBLE Hospital Stay

I have started the numbering over, in line with my current state, as I start the recovery over from scratch...AGAIN.

The first number is in accordance to Surgery II, with the number in parentheses in accordance to Surgery I.

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5:30 am

The lab tech came by to take my blood.  He didn't take it because my registration bracelet didn't have my middle name spelled out, just the first initial, while the lab order had my middle name spelled out.  He refused to take my blood until the two matched.  He told me he would be right back, so I kept the light on.

6:00 am 

I gave up on the lab tech coming back, so I turned the lights off and went back to sleep.

7:00 am 

The nurses changed shifts.  All night, I had been waiting for new nurses because my overnight nurse wasn't that attentive or helpful.  With the first surgery, I had one amazing nurse after the other, so I had high expectations of my nurses this time.  The new nurse and her assistant were TERRIBLE!  In my first encounter with the new nurse, she introduced herself, put her name and number on the board, and said that she was going to look over my paperwork and be right back.  Hours later, she never showed back up.  I tried to call her several times, but she wrote her number so illegibly that I never got through to her. I asked the new nurse assistant to refill my ice bag.  An hour later, I woke up and realized my foot was in pain.  Why? The assistant never brought me my ice bag back!!!  When I finally got her to come back to my room, I asked her to help me to the bathroom (because I need someone to take the IV pole while I use my hands to crutch myself there), and she tried to convince me that it was a better idea to use the bed pan or the bedside toilet.  What is wrong with these people?!?!?! She said that with all of the "wires" (my IV and the pain pump) that I shouldn't be out of the bed!  It took me more than 10 minutes to convince her that I could successfully use the crutches to get myself to the bathroom.  During this time, I was thinking that she wouldn't be so helpful in letting me get to the bathroom often, so I decided to bring the bag I had packed with me to the bathroom so that I could give myself a wash up, brush my teeth, and change my gowns while I was in there.

I immediately closed the door and just rested, sitting on the top of the toilet, after I closed the lid down.  I wanted to escape from all of the nurses and doctors.  I took my time bathing myself, something I couldn't do independently until 2 weeks after the first surgery, and then I called the nurse assistant back.  She insisted that I eat my breakfast from the chair, so she made me wait in the bathroom while she rearranged the room.  I finally got out of the bathroom to sit in the chair, and opened my breakfast plate.  There were some breakfast potatoes and eggs and that is it.  Sometimes I really wonder if anyone read my chart before my stay.  I am young and fit, and I am in there from an injury I sustained running marathons! That tiny breakfast had no chance of filling me.  I called the kitchen and had them bring me some wheat toast and some bacon to add to that since I don't even eat breakfast potatoes.  When I finished, I realized that she had stashed my bag in a cabinet that I couldn't reach from the chair, and that my crutches were all the way across the room.

I called her number and asked to move back to the bed so that I could better elevate my foot.  She came by and said that she wanted to change the linen before letting me go back.  So I sat there waiting...waiting...and more waiting.  2 hours later, she still hadn't returned and this whole time I had been stranded in the chair.

10 am

The PT team showed up and saved me! Of course it was my regular therapist that got them on my case so early.  Lucky for me, he knows the inpatient therapist.  They had me do some seated exercises, then they got me out of the chair and let me crutch a loop around the hospital wing.  With my IV moved to my forearm, I had no problem using the crutches.  I told the therapist about how the nurses were treating me, in terms of not wanting me to get out of the bed, and not being attentive, and he talked to them for me.  He also went and got linen and changed my bed for me so that I could get back in after our session.

The lab tech had been coming back and forth all morning to check to see if my bracelet had been changed.  The registration department finally made me a new one, and then the challenge of him finding a vein began.  They didn't have this trouble with me the first surgery, maybe my veins retreated deeper in my arms after all the trauma they suffered.  This time, I went home with 5 new wounds, 3 from IVs, 2 from blood draws.  I still have the scar from where the IV was put in for the first surgery, hopefully I'll fully heal this time.  My arms look like I'm a drug addict.

11 am

My mom arrived to the hospital for the day, and of course everyone was on their best behavior again while she was there.


1 pm

My surgeon's PA came to check on me.  He explained all the surgical procedures to me and said that the surgery went really well.  They did all the same procedures as last time, except for the tendon transfer (added a bone wedge to rebuild my arch, repositioned my heel, and lengthened my calf and achilles).  It was good to hear that the surgery went as planned.  He gave me the option of removing the pain drip then and switching to oral meds (Percocet) and possibly going home that night, or removing the pain drip the next morning and going home after confirming that the Percocet would be able to manage my pain.  Based on my last experience, I decided to stay in the hospital one more night.  I didn't want to go off the pain drip before my nerve block fully wore off.

Rest of the Day

My pain level was creeping up as the nerve block was wearing off and as I was supposed to be weening off the pain drip.  It also occurred to me that I had only seen the nurse 2 times the whole day (12 hr shift) and that the nurse assistant had missed at least 5 hours of vitals checks.  I am so lucky that the pain and initial recovery from this surgery was much easier on me this time, because I swear that these nurses would have let me die.

The PT team came back and made me crutch another loop around the hospital wing.

As the nurses changed shifts again, the other nurses did not say bye, nor did the new nurses introduce themselves and change their information on the board.  For a while I was calling the nurse line with no one picking up.  When my night nurse finally showed up, it was the same one as the previous night.  I knew that she wasn't as bad as the day nurse, but she wasn't much better.   By the time she finally came in my room, I was in a lot of pain, she wouldn't answer any of my questions, and she was just as "busy" as the nurses had been today. I wasn't dying, so I wasn't a priority of theirs.  I literally lost it and just started crying out of frustration from the day.  Since I was hooked up to the IV pole and need both of my hands to crutch around, I am literally stuck in my bed if no one comes to help me.  I only knew that I could survive the night because her assistant is really nice and was the only one that really helped me throughout my entire hospital stay.

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Reflection

The common tie throughout my recovery has been the lifesaving efforts of my mom, my physical therapists, my surgeon, and his PA.  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have such a supportive team around me.  I wouldn't have made it through this day without their support and the knowledge that they all armed me with to be able to handle things for myself...even while 1-2 feet down.

Surgery II (5 months post-op Surgery I)

*20 week (5 month) surgery anniversary*

Here we are...exactly 5 months (140 days) post surgery I, going under the knife for surgery II.

[Today, I am 3 days post-op from surgery II and feel well enough to start posting again.  It took me 12 days after the first surgery to feel well enough to get back to my blog. ]

 Here is a recap of my surgery II day:

6:15 am- Alarm

I took care of some last minute personal affairs and wrote goodbye messages in cards to my parents and also in my journal.  When you have a surgery that you have to go under general anesthesia, there is a very real danger that you may not wake up, from the anesthesia alone, no matter how simple or severe the surgery you are having.  Add the severity of my surgery and there are an infinite number of ways that my surgery could have gone wrong.  Luckily, I am still here, so we know that it went well, but I still had to leave some final messages, just in case.

6:45 am- Shower with antiseptic soap

7:45 am- Arrived at the Hospital 

When I got to the hospital, I had to take care of some paperwork, and then I got taken to a pre-op room.  There, I changed into the surgery gown, answered a lot of questions from nurses and doctors, got a complete physical by the house physician, gave a urine sample, got my foot and leg shaved, and had the IV put in.  For my last surgery, they were able to put the IV in my hand, and I remember it being the most painful of my pre-op experiences.  This time, she couldn't find the vein in my hand, so she tried to put it in my left arm.  She stuck the entire IV in, and didn't hit the vein.  She bandaged that site up and then found luck in placing it in my left wrist.  Neither attempt hurt as much as placing the IV in my hand for the first surgery.  When the IV was secure, I was rolled to the pre-surgery staging area.

In this area, nurses and doctors asked me the same questions I had already been asked before.  It is amazing how repetitive the paperwork is, but I can only imagine how many mistakes have been made that it has to be that repetitive.  The anesthesiologist talked with me and talked me through the nerve block and anesthesia process.  As my doctor instructed me to do, I was deeply questioning him about the procedure and making it clear that it didn't work the last time and that it HAD to work this time.  While I was talking to the anesthesiologist, my doctor came to visit me.  He warned the anesthesiologist that I am probably the most intelligent and thorough patient he has ever had, so be prepared to answer my questions! I was laughing really hard.  I know that I have the distinct advantage, that I am in this field, and I actually understand everything that has to be done to me and why, but do patients really not do their own research about their conditions?  Being informed is the best way to prepare yourself when you have to go through life-altering surgeries like this.

My surgeon thought he was off the hook after signing my right leg (they come and put their initials on your surgery leg to confirm that they operate on the right side), but of course I had a few questions to ask him before he left...further validating what he already said about me.

Question 1: When is the earliest I can travel?  Up to a 2 hr flight is possible at 2 weeks, but it would be better if I travel no earlier than 4 weeks.  I asked him this because I am actively on the job market, and if I have to fly to a university for a final interview, I want to be able to tell them when I can go.

Question 2: When can I start PT?  When the bone sets, some time between 4 and 6 weeks.  I hope to convince him at my 2 week appointment that I will be ready to start at 4 weeks.  I am only 7 weeks away from moving where I currently live, so the earlier I can start PT, the closer I can get to being able to drive again, and walk upright (with some assistance) so that hopefully by the time I move I will be able to live independently in my new city.

10:30 am- TIME OUT

My surgeon left, and then it was time for the "time out" with the anesthesiologist.  I said bye to my mom and then moments later I was out.  The next thing I remember is being in the recovery room.

12:30 pm- Recovery Room

Same as last time, I was asked to wiggle my toes.  I could do it, but just barely.  I felt a numbness down the entire lower part of my right leg...which meant...THE NERVE BLOCK WORKED!!!  Instead of immediately writhing in pain, like after my first surgery, I was looking around taking the room in, asking for my mom, and I felt hungry!  My pain level was so low, that the worse pain I felt was my hunger pains! I was so happy in that moment...it was absolutely amazing the difference from my first recovery room experience.  My mom was only allowed to feed me ice chips while I was in the recovery room.  I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything since midnight the night before, so it did feel good to have something in my mouth, even though it was just ice chips.

3:00 pm- Patient Room

After a few hours in the recovery room, they wheeled me to a private patient room.  As soon as I got there, I was ready to get up out of my bed and use my crutches to go to the restroom.  [With the first surgery, the nurse had to threaten me with placing a catheter if I didn't go before 11 pm the first day.  I didn't end up going until just before that, but I did avoid having to get the catheter.]  I told my nurse that I was ready to go, and she said that I wouldn't be allowed to without PT coming and confirming that I knew how to use the crutches.  I explained to her that I had the same surgery 5 months ago, and that I am very skilled with crutches, walkers, canes, wheelchairs, you name it!  She wouldn't have it.  She actually wanted me to use the restroom in a bed pan.  I told her that I wouldn't do it, and that I would wait until PT came.  She called PT and said that they couldn't come for at least another hour.  I held my ground.  Finally she said that I could get out of my bed and use a bedside toilet, which at least looks like a regular toilet.  The bedside toilet was only about 5 steps closer to my bed than the actual toilet, so I still can't understand all the fuss she created over me not getting out of my bed.

With my first restroom trip out of the way, I was back to being hungry.  I discovered that the nurses have turkey sandwiches on the floor that they can give to patients whenever, considering dinner was still several hours away.  Somehow, I never figured out the turkey sandwich secret with the first surgery.  I devoured the sandwich and then I felt like I had a lot of energy back.  I realized that the main reason I felt light headed at that point was because I was so hungry.

5 pm- Feeling pretty normal

By 5 pm, I felt well enough to be smiling for pictures and texting my friends, things that were absolutely impossible after the first surgery.  My pain level was around a 6.  It took over a week to get my pain level that low after the first surgery.  I ate dinner and waited for the PT.  I was able to feed myself!  The pain of the first surgery was so great, that I couldn't even focus long enough to use the fork to pick up my food and put it in my mouth, it was hard enough just to get myself to chew.  My mom fed me most of my meals in the hospital with the first surgery.

6 pm- PT Visit

Finally, the PT and his two interns came to visit me.  The therapist remembered me from my last surgery.  We skipped all of the normal introductory instructions and got right down to business, getting out of my bed!  It wasn't until I had crutched a few steps that I realized that the IV placement in my wrist was not going to work.  With the severe angle that you have to bend your wrists to use the crutches, I was painfully bleeding through my IV line.  I was only able to crutch to the door of my patient room and turn around.  They did let me go to the bathroom while I was up.  The therapist went and told the nurses that I needed my IV moved.  My session was over for the day since my IV line prohibited me from doing more.

7 pm- IV line moved

They had a lot of difficulty before the surgery finding an IV location, having to try two before they successfully put it in.  Now I was facing yet another puncture in my arm.  They used an IV line for a child this time and were able to put it in my right forearm.  This really complicated things because my IV pole was on the left side of my bed, which meant that the remaining time I spent in the hospital, I had all of the cords laying across my lap.

First Night

I was nauseas and itching- both side effects of the narcotics.  They gave me drugs for both of those.  I tried to keep pressing my pain drip on a schedule.  I was allowed to press it every 8 mins, but that is really difficult when trying to sleep.  I also had vitals and drug checks every 1-2 hrs, so not much sleep that night.  I went to the restroom about every 2 hours, which was much less than the 16 times that I had to go with my first surgery.  That was obviously a result of them having the IV fluids on high since I wasn't going, and from all the water and gatorade I was chugging to try to make myself go.  Around 4 am, I asked for another turkey sandwich.  Since I didn't have the pain to distract me from my hunger, it was time for some more food.

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Reflection

What a difference the nerve block makes.  Day 1 was closer to Day 7/8 of my first surgery.

Day 139 (-1): Surgery II Eve

So tomorrow is the day that I go through my second reconstructive surgery, this time on my right foot.

I honestly have been so busy with finishing my dissertation, traveling to and presenting at the conference, and interviewing for jobs, that I haven't had the time to really stop and think and process that I am about to go through this all again.  I also haven't had nearly as much time to prepare my apartment and my personal affairs for the rough road of recovery that I have ahead of me.

Mentally I have been going through the cycle of convincing myself that I don't need the surgery, don't want to go through the surgery, that it doesn't really hurt THAT bad, before I come to my senses and know that I need the surgery.  It is the same cycle I went through before my first surgery.  At my last appointment my doctor made it clear for me.  He showed me how misaligned my right foot is now, which is just as bad as my left foot was before.  No questions asked.  My right foot needs surgery to give me my best chance of walking normally again and returning to my activities of daily living, and in the best case scenario, to an active lifestyle.

Tomorrow I continue my fight to one day return to living life without pain in every step of every day.  I will have to learn how to walk for the third time in my life and for the second time this year.  It will get worse, waaaaay worse, before it gets better, but at 5 months post-op from my left surgery, I do know that it does get better.

At 7:45 am tomorrow, I continue this journey.